LONELY AND SURROUNDED

 

Sometimes I can't help but wonder why acceptance could be a hard thing for some who seek help (services of a maid) it's common (I can't say in all parts of the world) in Nigeria to find help, and these helps are mostly children below teenage age....99.9% girls...... 

   The idea of this however can be seen from a good light.... they seek the help of this children in little means necessary in exchange for a better life, example education and better experiences of life ( possible exposure) 

   Recently my family acquired the help of one of these young girls, but these one an early freshman in the teenage lifespan

   Seeing her brought back old memories of myself as a child, younger than her I was sent to live with my grandma's twin sister, I don't remember much of it though but it was definitely an unpleasant experience for me 

  It was definitely a strange place, yes they were family, all my cousins (second cousins in line) though related where strange, I didn't want to be around them all I wanted was my mom and family....

  This experience was a beginning of torture and endurance for me, I didn't like my new school I didn't like my environment, with time I become a shadow of myself.....I talked less and smiled less, this of course led me to decisions of my Life I wish never happened....

  I was the less privileged cousin who came to live with Grandma, most likely seen as unintelligent, it was easy to identify me as different..... I moved with caution as I knew this was not my home, everyone had their mommy but I didn't, they could get whatever they wanted but I couldn't, I was just a child but I knew boundries and what not being part of a family looked like...

   I'm not putting this down to show or say I was treated badly by the family I lived with, I'm just saying I never felt good in the picture of this complete family related strangers.. if that makes any sense.....

   After a recent research from my end I came to find out the after effect of as much care as I received which everyone thought was best for me this is what taking me away from my mother and not having a father at a very young age where family Bond and principles where yet untaught did to me...

     More than anything, we learn how to connect and form bonds with others based on the bonds we’ve had with our caregivers. When there’s a disruption in the parental bond, it often becomes more difficult throughout life to feel emotionally attached to others.

    The relationship we had with our parents tends to be repeated in other important relationships. If you felt dismissed, invalidated, or like your needs would not be met, then you likely expect this from others (and treat others similarly). Worse, if you were scared of a parent or saw them as threatening somehow, yet also depended on them for survival, you might find that you have an intense distrust of others or even find yourself in repeated abusive relationships.

    When the parental bond resulted in an insecure attachment of sorts, there tends to be a chronic feeling that something is missing. You might spend your life trying to fulfill the needs that weren’t met as a child, and chronically become disappointed because no person can ever fill those needs once you’re an adult.

Sadly, you may even come to believe that you don’t deserve love or not even know how to be close to another human being, reinforcing a pattern of chronic isolation and loneliness...

A history of trauma, pain and rejection can lead to a distorted and painful narrative about oneself that then shapes each new experience one has.......

If you believe deep down that you will be rejected, that parts of yourself are bad, or that you are somehow defective, you will prove yourself right at all costs. You will interpret others’ actions through this lens, discount evidence to the contrary, be attracted to individuals who treat you poorly, and even bring out certain behaviors in others that confirm your narrative.

Further, if you believe you aren’t good enough, then you will believe, on some level, that neither are your friends. Every judgment about yourself becomes manifest 10-fold with others.

This makes it nearly impossible to connect, be vulnerable, or feel an emotional closeness with others. So long as you believe yourself and/or others to be unworthy somehow, it doesn’t matter how many people you have in your life – you will always feel alone.

This does not bode well for emotional closeness. As such, one is never fulfilled and just needs more, more, and more.

    To question everything, as soon as something goes wrong, or if someone else tells you something is wrong, questions start to arise about who you’re spending time with. Others’ opinions become truth. 

Emotional connection requires being in touch well with your emotions. And, being able to trust those emotions without anyone else telling you what you should or should not do. No one is an expert on you besides you.

LEGENDARY...

 It's no news over the recent loss of a very wonderful human being, Chadwick Boseman AKA wakanda forever.. the world especially to all black race has lost.

Dying at the ripe age of 43, from a monster disease, colon cancer, Chadwick Boseman has left many hearts sad, because the news was a huge shock to everyone. 

All over the internet, there's his life story, different words he had spoken at different times..

But what has left me sad, and felt deep unexplainable emotions, is why in all of this, he never mentioned he was sick, instead all his talks/words sent a message, the way he spoke with passion, about talent, about believing, about staying strong, about succeeding, about winning, these things he didn't just say but showed it in actions admist his personal life threatening crisis, in the way he was diligent in fulfilling his own dreams.

His life, death, and the way he chose to handle things has given me quite a few unanswered questions

1.  What is death?

2.  Is dying any easier when we know we are dying?

3. Does knowing we will die put us in a place where we no longer want to live in the first place?

4. If we all knew of our dying days will it be of any consolation to us? 

5. Will it drive us mad and make us all insane? 

6. Will there be less wickedness and more humanity?

7. If we know our dying day what price do we have to pay?

Did he fight real hard? what were the struggles? are there times when he really broke down? how did he really handle all of these? How did he go through so much and hid it away from the world until his last breath?

How and what do I need to learn from this legend, this amazing young man, why does his lesson seem so real and yet so unreal

From his quote, Young black and talented.

Do NOT forget

They'll come a time when the only thing that will matter is human relationship.

The lives of people you have touched and the ones you haven't.

Regrets of broken friendships and even strengthen friendships.

We all have one believe that there is a life after Life itself so if there's life what would matter in the end?

Your car, phone, house, clothes or jewelries? none of this will be

The only things you will ever see are humans alike and even animals. 

Do not let the world's misplaced priorities put you in a line of total disregard of humanity, because at the end humanity is what really matters. 

Say I love you to those you truly love give a helping hand were you are able.

Smile the way of that stranger whom you know nothing about be peaceful as much as you can be. 

Have smart conversations with people you never know who's going to be your neighbour.

It's hard but we can all make it work family is very important sometimes family goes beyond blood relatives, do not forget what really matters today. 

The life of every soul on earth!

Losing something we never had!

Losing something we never had can be both a blessing and a curse.

Isn't it true that sometimes we blame a particular misfortune on something we were supposed to have but never did? 

Losing a parent or parents: losing a father or mother can never be a blessing will always definitely be a curse, but it can be a means to an end.

Father: Using myself as an example there are times in my life, I have felt the hardships i faced were due to the fact that I didn't have a father and I spend most of my time thinking things or fantasizing about things that would have happened, how my life would have been easier if my father was here to lay the foundations of financial stability in the family.

Mother: losing a mother can be even more traumatizing, it can make us go from happy to sad or emotional when we see people enjoying what we never had the opportunity to have example family gatherings and all the things that involves a mother. 

Spouse: becoming a widow or a widower at a very young age can even be worse at a high level, except for divorce, this time we are fully aware we would never be able to see this person again sometimes it doesn't really matter if they were 100% good to us the feeling of never really having them anymore is deeper than one can really admit or be able to express either explain.

Right now I'm more focused on those ones we were never really able to have, like the first option losing parents.... during child birth, or even before we knew how to walk.

If we are not careful this can scream danger in our lives, because rather than enjoying the things we are blessed with, the things we can see, we dwell on the past and how much the past would have made a difference losing a father could make you feel like you were unfortunate and most times could bring unhappiness and sadness possibly from peer groups, friends or any other family member (when we see them with their parents) it can make us not really see the efforts others are trying to make in our lives, no matter how small, we might feel if a particular person we had lost was alive things would be so much more better than they already are, maybe it is true maybe it is not but we cannot disagree about the effects this might have in our daily lives.

Others that have mothers are used to being shouted at by their mothers and in an African home even being spanked, but if you do this to a motherless child there is always this feeling that my mother would have done better, my mother wouldn't have reacted this way, there's always this feeling of not being satisfied with efforts others were putting, you feel your loss has made you less deserving or not being sacrificed enough for, the point I'm trying to make is

It's in the nature of humans to always look out for those things they do not have and go as far as blaming their misfortunes on those things that has never existed or existed for a very short period of time.

This is not a post to bring out the negativity of losing or the positivity of it, it's more like opening up about the effect of losing what we never had and if possible reaching out to the reader's mind to look out for things that they have already in front of them better than dwelling in the past.

EXPERIENCE....

I'm not a relationship guru but I've had this thought for a while why some relationships do not actually work out.

Finding..... I have noticed that often times when we find someone they might not be ready to be found.

By experience I want to say all of the guys I've been with in the past are not terrible people, no far from it but if there's one thing I have noticed is almost every guy who walks up to a girl is looking for one already made. 

Not every guy is willing to work the process of refining, for instance, not everyone has the opportunity to witness a gold they're about to buy being refined 99% of the people who use and buy gold buy them already made. 

Honestly having to wait for a gold to be refined could be pretty difficult if not impossible, or unnecessary, why wait, when you can get an already refined one, why stand the heat? why watch it burn? why why why? 

And I'm not saying they're men who are not waiting, of course there are many who wait, who watch, who nurture, who sees the future right from the unprocessed gold. 

There's this notion that a woman should be perfect should have the skills of marriage should know what to do at every given point in time. 

One particular ex of mine was always good with the what ifs, he will always say to me what if we get married is this what you're going to do? what if we are faced with this situation is this what you're going to do ?there was so many what ifs that I even began to doubt my very existence as a woman and then it hit me

I wasn't perfect... the moment a woman is born she does not know anything about being a woman she learned it at every stage in her life.... A new mother learns how to be a mother when she has a child...A new bride learns how to be a wife once she becomes a wife, there is never a full knowledge about it before the experience there might be knowledge but trust me experience is always the best teacher. 

Yes it's good to prepare before you walk in it's good to know what you're in for before you walk in, but do you start judging an 18 years old girl, or a 24-30 years old woman because you knew your mother well when she was almost 45 or more? 

Who told you marriage was ever easy for her in the first place?  who told you it was easy at first to manage all of you at home? who told you your mother was perfect maybe she is now but was she from the beginning?

We can only hope for the best but we can never know the ending by just looking at the beginning 90% of the time that's totally impossible.

Is FREEDOM truly FREE?

Looking at the meaning of freedom I must agree it is a very inviting word, and in my opinion every effort man has put in Christianity, politics, marriage and life in general is to earn this very inviting word freedom... A freedom that is not truly free.

It means power or right to act speak or think as one wants, the state of not being imprisoned or enslaved, freedom generally  from further study is having the ability to act or change without constraint.

Furthermore something is free if it can change easily and is not constrained in its present state if a person has freedom to do things that will not in theory or in practice be prevented by other forces.

From my study I found out a few examples of freedom

 1. An absence of necessity 

2. liberation from slavery or restrain 

3. freedom of association

4.  freedom of belief 

5. freedom of speech

6.  freedom to express

7.  freedom of the press

8.  freedom to choose one state in life 

9. freedom of religion

10.  freedom from bondage and slavery. 

But is freedom truly free? 

Well freedom is an illusion or it is relative to an illusion, wherever you live in the world the freedom people have is dictated by their controllers whether that is government, god or a dictatorship even in daily life there are others who control what people do say and where they can go.

With much thinking I feel there is no true freedom because every freedom known in the life of Man, the existence of the world has always been on merit, has always been earned either with blood or strive, in terms of the government one has to obey laws to be truly free, in religion one has to obey laws to be truly free, even in our daily lives in families, churches, mosques, shrines every individual that belongs to an association needs to earn his freedom.

Imagine a world with true freedom

People could kill, cheat, and have no consequences, yes we have freedom to act but do we have the freedom to determine the consequences of our actions? If we say we are free why do we pay for being free?

If the answer is NO then are we truly free?? 

Nigeria my home.

Nigeria a closer look

• When you look at Nigeria what do you see? When you think of Nigeria what do you imagine? oftentimes especially in the internet we see more of the bad side of the country, but I'll share with you a few beautiful things I see when I look at Nigeria as a Nigerian myself.

• Walk with me

• The food, from the south side of Nigeria she has variety of dishes like okra soup, egusi soup others, and the famous Nigerian jollof rice which is the first picture below. Each meal has nutritional values as well as taste awesomely different, these meals are usually prepared with fish, meat, (cow, goat) or any other meat desired, also with sea food, these meals are extremely rich and very delicious. (Soups go with Garri, Amala, starch, semovita) etc

• Another wonderful thing I see is family, the love from the grandmother to her grandchild, from a husband to his wife and child, from siblings to their parents and from mother to daughter.

 

• Beautiful cultures especially with the marriage ceremonies, the marriage ceremonies are beautiful moments were the women are adorned with beads and beautiful attires, from wrapper to blouses, as well as the men also, looking elegant and handsome for their brides with music and dancing, not forgetting food too.

• Hard working people, it's no secret about how bad choices of some Africans has  made the African community look bad, but there are exceptional young males and females in Nigeria as well as other African countries, doing things they love or sometimes just try their best and make honest money.

Good environment both for living and for business, every new day is a hustle day, were people get closer to their dreams of becoming better, richer or just have enough to be comfortable.

All of the provided pictures are from the south-East of Nigeria, this doesn't mean that the other areas of Nigeria are bad, no far from it, I am just focusing on that part of the country because like they say "experience is the best teacher"  and this is where I have almost all of my life experiences.